Having worked with complex teens for many years I can say without any doubt that we have been mislead about how much our teens both want, and need, adult connection.

Yes, they are developing their own identities, so they push back against us. They experiment with their values, and sometimes reject ours.  It can be a very painful time for parents and brings up a lot of difficult emotions. We almost always see the child as the problem. That in their battle for independence they have rejected us. But my view is that it is often the parent that withdraws from the relationship before the child does.

The traditional view of the teen years was associated with a struggle for identity, leading to confrontations with authority and a desire to break free from parental control. Teen rebellion was seen as something that hit quite randomly, usually due to the influence of the peer groups. It was beyond parental control. As a parent the strategy tended to be to either accept and wait it out, or to try to control it through increasingly severe consequences.

The narrative encouraged parents to feel powerless. This is why my starting point with any parent struggling with teenage behaviour is always to focus on relationship first, because this is where our power as parents lies.

Positively more recent research has begun to challenge the traditional view, recognising the complexities of adolescent development but also highlighting the growth, exploration and creativity that is a vital part of this stage of development.

I’m going to cover some of the basics here but if you want to know more “Brainstorm: The Power and Purpose of the Teenage Brain” by Dan Siegel is a great place to start.

Brain Development in Adolescence and Its Impact on Behaviour

Adolescence is a critical period for brain development, characterized by significant structural and functional changes. This phase, typically spanning from ages 10 to 19, is marked by the maturing of various brain regions that influence behaviour, decision-making, and emotional regulation. Understanding these changes can help us better understand adolescent behaviours, including risk-taking, heightened emotions, and a strong desire for independence.

Key Changes in Brain Structure

Synaptic Pruning: In the early years of life, the brain creates an excess of neural connections. During adolescence, the brain begins to eliminate unused connections. This process makes the brain more efficient but also means that adolescents may be more sensitive to social and environmental stimuli, as their brains are actively shaping pathways based on their interactions.

Myelination: This process increases the speed at which the brain can function. It continues throughout adolescence, particularly in the prefrontal cortex (the logical, decision-making part of the brain). While obviously increased efficiency is helpful in the long-term, the uneven nature of this development can contribute to impulsive behaviour.

The limbic system: The limbic system is developing throughout adolescence. This is the brain’s emotion and threat detection system. The amygdala, a key structure in the limbic system, and a key part of the fight/flight/freeze response that I talk so much about, matures earlier than the prefrontal cortex. As a result, adolescents may experience heightened emotions, without having yet developed the capacity to engage the thinking part of the brain, leading to behaviours that seem impulsive or irrational.

The interplay between heightened emotional responses and underdeveloped self-regulation explains why adolescents often act without fully considering the consequences. In addition, the brain’s reward system is highly active during this stage, making social rewards particularly appealing.

So How Does This Knowledge Help Us?

During the teenage years the importance of connection with peers increases, this is undeniable, and necessary. Think about the difference between primary schools and secondary schools. Children go from having a small number of relationships with significant adults in school to having much more distant relationships. It makes sense that the importance of peer relationships increases.

We all need connections to feel a sense of safety and security. Adolescents will naturally look for this from each other as the distance with adults in their lives grows. As identity begins to be shaped more by influences outside of the family the potential for conflict within the family increases.

If we take the traditional view of the teenage years, we deal with that conflict by either disengaging or trying to control. Interactions become more negative. The relationship between parent and child becomes less rewarding as the behaviour becomes more challenging, while the rewards from the peer group are often increasing.

Let’s think more about rewards:

Here’s an example of how important the relationship based reward system is in influencing behaviour. Child A doesn’t like French. She has behaved disrespectfully and disruptively in French in the past and as a consequence, her relationship with her teacher is very negative. The teacher has a zero-tolerance approach to any negative behaviour from her and the child feels that the teacher doesn’t like her. She has made progress on her behaviour in lots of her lessons but in French she continues to get negative behaviour points. She feels that the teacher picks on her.

Let’s think about in terms of rewards: She doesn’t feel a connection with the teacher, she doesn’t feel liked, so the rewards she would get from changing her negative behaviour are minimal. In contrast the rewards she gets from her peers when she behaves negatively make her feel good about her social place and increase her security. How likely is it that her behaviour will improve without her relationship with the teacher improving?

The same applies to parenting. If the majority of interactions with your child are negative or fraught with emotion, then the reward from the relationships at home will be minimal and this will increase the influence of the peer group. The pull of the peer group is strong and you aren’t offering anything to counterbalance this.

The teenage brain is naturally focused on these social rewards and not the bigger picture or the long-term. If you want to increase your influence over your child you can only do so by increasing your connection to them, so that your relationship with them offers more social rewards. And regardless of whether their behaviour has been  acceptable or not, it is likely that the change will have to come from you first. You are the adult with the fully developed brain. You are the one with the capacity to both experience the emotions and frustration AND use logic and reasoning.

How to Build Connection:

Think about the times do you feel connected with your child and try to increase these opportunities. It’s not necessarily about big gestures. In fact these can feel too much, too risky, too pressurised. Start small and don’t try to put yourself in competition with the peer group.

Remember that within their peer group they can become stuck in a role which limits them.  Try to foster a relationship with your child in which they are able to explore all sides of themselves.

The message when parenting teens is to always keep focus on your relationship with them and to remember that YOU are going to have to take responsibility for maintaining the positivity. To be clear that doesn’t mean that you don’t need to put in boundaries or sometimes impose consequences, but the better your relationship is the more likely it is that you will be able to do this in a positive way which actually works to change the behaviour.  

Jo Atkinson – NLP4kids Therapist and Parenting Coach

newcastlechildtherapy.nlp4kids.org

jo-atkinson-parentingcoach.co.uk