The Link Between Perfectionism, Behaviour and Anxiety

When I do initial parenting coaching calls I quite frequently find myself nodding along when parent are listing the challenges that they are facing. I estimate that around 90% of the parents that I work with are parents of highly sensitive children (sometimes with a diagnosis of ADHD or autism) who experience explosive emotional outbursts, anxiety, and often poor self-esteem.

One trait I hear about a lot in perfectionism. Often parents don’t recognise that it is perfectionism they are describing, because it doesn’t manifest itself as they would expect. These aren’t the children who are self-motivated to work hard and who always get everything right. These are the children who are so hampered by their fear of imperfection that they give up, avoid or never get started in the first place.

They are the children screwing up their beautiful drawing because it doesn’t look just the way they imagined it. The children who refuse to go back to the club that they have been waiting to join because the experience of being a beginner provokes too much anxiety. The children whose parents might view them as lazy because they never seem prepared to put the hard work in.  Perfectionism, anxiety and procrastination actually go hand in hand.

Like many anxiety-based behaviours procrastination is self-reinforcing.  The fear of failure leads children to procrastinate to avoid the anxiety and distress they will feel if they don’t meet their own high standards. Procrastination reduces the anxiety they feel which reinforces the behaviour. Delaying the task then leads to a last minute rush to complete it, which can lead to a poor result, which further reinforces the original fear of imperfection.

So how do you support your perfectionist child to move out of the procrastination and avoidance hole they might find themselves in?

Here are some effective tips to help your perfectionist child manage their perfectionism:

Encourage a Growth Mindset

Teach the Value of Mistakes: Help your child understand that mistakes are opportunities for learning and growth.

Praise Effort Over Outcome: Focus on the effort they put into tasks rather than just the results.

Support Them to Set Realistic Goals

Break Tasks into Smaller Steps: Help your child set achievable, incremental goals that are less overwhelming.

Celebrate Small Achievements: Acknowledge and celebrate progress, no matter how small.

Model Healthy Behaviour

Share Your Own Mistakes: Discuss your own failures and what you learned from them. This normalises imperfection.

Create a Supportive Environment

Limit Comparisons: Encourage your child to focus on their own progress rather than comparing themselves to others.

Provide a Safe Space: Create a home environment where your child feels safe expressing their feelings and fears.

Promote Healthy Risk-Taking

Encourage Trying New Things: Support your child in trying new activities where success isn’t guaranteed, helping them embrace uncertainty.

Value Experience Over Perfection: Reinforce the idea that the experience is more important than achieving a flawless outcome.

Support Others to Understand

Advocate for them: Children who are managing perfection by avoiding could be seen as lazy or disengaged in school. Harsh consequences, which can occur when the behaviour is misunderstood, are unlikely to make any difference to the behaviour and may provoke further anxiety.

Next Steps:

To find out more about about perfectionism, anxiety and how NLP techniques and parenting coaching can help your child please give me a call or send me a message.